Infidelity as a FAMILY Issue: A Contextual Perspective

Infidelity as a FAMILY Issue: A Contextual Perspective Alexandra E. Schmidt, MS, LMFT-A Mary S. Green, PhD, LMFT-S, AAMFT Approved Supervisor

Overview Part 1: Key concepts and assumptions of contextual therapy

Part 2: Using contextual therapy lens to interpret infidelity research Part 3: Developing family-focused clinical interventions for infidelity

Part 1 Contextual Therapy

The basics Transgenerational model of family therapy that emphasizes the balance of giving and taking within relationships. How the past influences present functioning How present functioning affects others’ present experiences and future generations Integrative theoretical approach

Assumptions  Individual reality + relational reality = human experience  Consequences of an individual’s actions affect the lives of all those connected to him/her (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986).  Satisfactory relationships are inseparable from the consequences of actions of ourselves and others (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986).  Our experiences and perceptions of the world are inextricably linked to the relationships we have with others and the feedback we receive from them (Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2003).

Four dimensions of reality

Facts

Individual psychology

Systemic interactions

Relational ethics

Facts Objectifiable facts that cannot be changed, such as: Genetics Physical health Basic history

Where you grew up Family composition Life cycle stage Socioeconomic status

Individual psychology How individuals take information from environment to form: Beliefs Experiences Emotions Memories Motivations

Systemic interactions Drawn from cybernetics and general systems theory

Represents communication patterns and rules within relationships Lead to beliefs and actions related to power and organization

Relational ethics Balance of what people are obligated to give to others in relationships and what they are entitled to receive from others Entitlement based upon:

Nature of relationship (e.g. parent-child) Giving love, care, and respect to another person

Relational ethics Requires individuals to assume responsibility for actions affecting others and build up relational resource of trustworthiness (Hargrave et al., 1991) Patterns and balance of trustworthiness passed down from generation to generation (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1980)

Relational ethics: Seeking a balance in motion

(Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2003)

“

Trustworthiness is built upon the idea that we have an innate sense of justice that demands we try to balance what we are entitled to receive from a relationship and what we are obligated to give in order to maintain it.

”

(Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2003, p. 32)

How do we find balance? Horizontal relationships Partners

Vertical relationships Parent-child

Siblings Peers

(Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986)

Goals of contextual therapy Facilitate dialogue about experiences of trust and fairness impacting day-to-day functioning and recurring patterns and trends (Sibley et al., 2015, In Press)

Help families engage in actions that restore and maintain balance of trustworthiness and justice, loyalty, and entitlement to have needs met

Goals of contextual therapy Balance the ledger and promote accountability for the consequences of one’s actions, both positive and negative (Dankoski & Deacon, 2000)

Engage in process of exoneration, preventing relational injustices from spilling over into future generations and relationships (Hargrave, 1994; Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2003)

Multidirected partiality Balance of helping clients to: Recognize and value multiple perspectives

Highlight experiences of relational ethics Four main components: Empathic understanding Crediting relational injustices Acknowledgement of efforts

Promotion of accountability (Sibley et al., 2015, In Press)

Part 2 A Contextual View of Infidelity

Defining infidelity Secretive emotional and/or sexual involvement with a person outside of a committed couple relationship that violates the partners’ agreement with each other

Contextual view of infidelity Balanced, mutual co-investment of both partners in a relationship is a key ingredient in establishing relational trust and responsibility (Boszormenyi-Nagy, 1986). Norm of sexual fidelity is closely related to the development of trust and intimacy in relationships (Previti & Amato, 2004).

Contextual view of infidelity What occurs between parents inevitably affects children.

Children chronically caught in a split loyalty between mutually mistrustful parents eventually come to lose a sense of trust in both parents (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986).

Infidelity and relational conflict Infidelity often associated with conflict and tension within couple relationship (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Balderrama-Durbin et al., 2012) High levels of distress (Atkins et al., 2005) More pursue-withdraw behaviors (Balderrama-Durbin et al., 2012) Greater risk of divorce (Marín et al., 2014)

(Previti & Amato, 2004)

Infidelity as avoidance of conflict Especially common with individuals who grew up in families who avoided open expressions of conflict (Brown, 2001) Fear of abandonment or losing control Intimacy eroded by inability to discuss and resolve differences

Influence of conflict on children Young children

Conflict interferes with parents’ ability to respond to children in an emotionally attuned way (Sturge-Apple et al., 2006) and without unnecessary harshness (Krishnakumar & Buehler, 2000) Children in families with high expressions of negative emotions  more likely to blame themselves for parents’ conflict (Fosco & Grych, 2007)

Influence of conflict on children Adult children

Speaking critically about co-parent associated with adult children reporting lack of trust, poor communication quality, and emotional isolation from both parents (Riggio & Valenzuela, 2011; Rowen & Emery, 2014)

Contextual view of relationship between infidelity and conflict Conflict related to breach of trust and loyalty Experiencing family as untrustworthy and unable to meet their needs  increased risk of developing a sense of destructive entitlement (Goldenthal, 1996)

Most likely victims: partners and children (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986)

“

If children observe and experience unstable and untrustworthy relationships, they will at best believe that self reliance and protection are essential in relationships, and at worst, believe that they are justified in being irresponsible, unreliable, and untrustworthy in order to get what they need physically or emotionally.

”

(Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2003, p. 35)

Influence of infidelity on children Fathers’ infidelity  higher likelihood of adult male children’s infidelity (Platt et al., 2008) More likely to speak to mothers about parental infidelity (Thorson, 2009) Regardless of gender of unfaithful parent

Children’s experiences of infidelity Typical reactions to a hidden affair: Silence Acting out behaviors Loyalty conflicts (depression, stomachaches, etc.) Striving for perfection Attempts to protect parent Escaping

Self-destructive behavior

(Brown, 2001)

Children’s experiences of infidelity “Secrets & lies are part of the fiber of affairs” (p. 248) Distance within family  difficulty trusting those close to you Rupture in boundaries (“don’t tell mom”) Coalitions with “wronged” parent Parent’s fear of abandonment or loss of child Potential splits within sibling relationships

Mirror parental anxiety or depression

(Sori, 2007)

Children’s experiences of infidelity Questioning parents’ honesty and trustworthiness in other areas (e.g. morals, values, religious beliefs) Shame associated with public humiliation Emotional unavailability of parents

(Sori, 2007)

Children’s experiences of infidelity Behavioral reactions depend upon developmental level of child (regressing behaviors) Questioning who is more important: affair partner or children

Threatens security of attachment with both parents (Sori, 2007)

Children’s experiences of infidelity Gender Fathers may brag about escapades with sons and ask sons to help keep affairs secret Sons may experience loyalty conflicts – duty to protect mother, alliance with father Daughters may get the message that all men are womanizers and it is to be accepted (Sori, 2007)

“

When the wronged parent’s life remains organized around a past affair, he or she stays preoccupied with the betrayal and is vengeful, demanding allegiance from adult children against the unfaithful parent; adult children will have issues of trust and loyalty that cannot help but affect their own marriages and children.

”

(Sori, 2007, p. 255)

How does infidelity influence relational ethics?  Study #1:

 Study #2:

Parental infidelity

Parental infidelity

Interparental conflict

Participants’ infidelity

Vertical relational ethics

Horizontal relational ethics

Methods Cross-sectional, online survey Relational Ethics Scale (RES; Hargrave et al., 1991) Perceptions of Interparental ConflictIntensity/Frequency Scale (PIC-I/F; Kline et al., 2003) Convenience and snowball sampling

Methods Eligibility criteria Being 18 or older

Having biological parents who were married or living together for at least six months during the participant’s life Currently living in the United States

Sample N = 695 for study #1, N = 411 for study #2 20 states of residency Primarily female (91.2%), White (65.8%), and Christian (72.1%) Ages ranged from 18 to 70 years (μ = 30.62 years, SD = 11.75 Most held either a bachelor’s (34.0%) or master’s (22.7%) degree

Sample Parents Married (56.3%) Separated or divorced (35.1%) Participants

Married (46.7%) Committed dating relationship (32.1%) Average length of current relationship (μ = 8.19 years, SD = 9.14) Average age at beginning of relationship (μ = 23.08 years, SD = 6.68)

Study #1: How do parental infidelity and interparental conflict influence adult children’s perceptions of their family of origin relationships?

Study #1: Hypotheses (1) Within relationships between adult children and their parents, higher levels of interparental conflict would be related to lower levels of vertical trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total vertical relational ethics. (2) Within relationships between adult children and their parents, the occurrence of parental infidelity would be related to lower levels of vertical trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total vertical relational ethics.

Analysis  Multiple linear regression analyses  Outcome variables: vertical trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total vertical relational ethics  Predictor variables Current relationship status of’ parents and participants’ religious preference, sex, current age, and race

Intensity and frequency of interparental conflict (PIC-I/F score) Mothers’ infidelity, fathers’ infidelity, and the interaction between mothers’ and fathers’ infidelity

Results (1) Within relationships between adult children and their parents, higher levels of interparental conflict would be related to lower levels of: Vertical trust and justice  Loyalty 

Entitlement  Total vertical relational ethics 

Results (2) Within relationships between adult children and their parents, the occurrence of parental infidelity would be related to lower levels of: Vertical trust and justice   (both mothers and fathers)

Vertical loyalty  (only mothers) Vertical entitlement  (only mothers) Total vertical relational ethics  (both mothers and fathers)

Discussion Essential to understand: Individual meaning-making for infidelity and conflict Influence of cultural expectations and beliefs Constructs of loyalty and entitlement to have one’s needs met more linked to mothering in American culture?

Study #2 How does parental infidelity influence adult children’s reports of relational ethics in their relationships with their partners?

Study #2  Hypotheses (1) The occurrence of parental infidelity would be related to lower levels of horizontal trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total horizontal relational ethics. (2) The occurrence of the adult child’s own infidelity would be related to lower levels of horizontal trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total horizontal relational ethics. (3) The occurrence of the adult child’s own infidelity would mediate the relationship between parental infidelity and total horizontal relational ethics.

Analysis Multiple linear regression analyses Outcome variables: horizontal trust and justice, loyalty, entitlement, and total horizontal relational ethics Predictor variables Participants’ age, religious preference, relationship status, age at the beginning of the relationship, and length of the relationship Mothers’ infidelity, fathers’ infidelity, and adult children’s infidelity

Results (1) The occurrence of parental infidelity would be related to lower levels of

Horizontal trust and justice  (only fathers) Horizontal loyalty  Horizontal entitlement  (only fathers) Total horizontal relational ethics  (only fathers)

Results (2) The occurrence of participants’ infidelity would be related to lower levels of

Horizontal trust and justice  Horizontal loyalty  Horizontal entitlement  Total horizontal relational ethics 

Analysis and results  (3) The occurrence of the adult child’s own infidelity would mediate the relationship between parental infidelity and total horizontal relational ethics.  Sobel test (Preacher & Leonardelli, 2014) Whether participants’ infidelity mediated relationship between mothers’ infidelity and total horizontal relational ethics  Whether participants’ infidelity mediated relationship between fathers’ infidelity and total horizontal relational ethics  (at trend level)

Discussion Primarily heterosexual female sample Consistent significance of fathers’ infidelity  tendency of women’s experiences with their male partners to be influenced by their experiences with their fathers

Discussion Feminist-informed questions: Who defines relational ethics within families?

Who has the power to assert needs and desires? Who has the power to call attention to imbalances, and in what way?

Lack of significance of participants’ own infidelity  perhaps these couples had made necessary adjustments to rebalance the system?

Limitations Difficult to generalize to individuals/groups who are not White, female, and Christian

Potential under-reporting of parental infidelity (due to lack of awareness) OR over-reporting (due to lack of understanding parents’ unique definition of infidelity)

Limitations Study #1 used a retrospective design, so more recent encounters with parents may have influenced participants’ reports Study #2 did not account for infidelities of participants’ partners

Part 3 Developing Clinical Interventions

Assessment

Targets for assessments Balance of relational ethics Trustworthiness Loyalty Split loyalty Destructive entitlement Exoneration

Assessment Couples and families with children and adolescents Is there a pattern of infidelity within the family?

How is conflict related to the infidelity? What were parental and marital relationships like before the infidelity was exposed?

How do individuals perceive infidelity and conflict as influencing the balance of relational ethics within the family system? (Schmidt et al., 2015, Under Review; Sori, 2007)

Assessment Couples and families with children and adolescents Who is aware of the infidelity? How much does each person within the family know? How does each person know? How are parents trying to support children? What other stressors are weighing upon the family? (Schmidt et al., 2015, Under Review; Sori, 2007)

Assessment Older children and their partners

Do clients feel pressured to pick sides between parents? What consequences have they experienced as a result of their “choice?” How do they show loyalty? How have clients’ views on trustworthiness, commitment, and dependability been shaped by parents’ infidelity? By their own infidelity? By their partners’ infidelity? (Schmidt et al., 2015, Under Review; Schmidt et al., 2015, In Press )

Assessment Older children and their partners If the client has been unfaithful to his/her partner, how does that influence how he/she perceives parental infidelity? What situations/thoughts/feelings alert them to times when their relationship with partner feels unbalanced or unfair?

(Schmidt et al., 2015, Under Review; Schmidt et al., 2015, In Press )

Cultural considerations Discuss intersections between: Spiritual beliefs and religious practices Ethnic identities Gender role expectations Social class

Role of therapist Balance two tasks: Broadening scope of the family’s understanding and softening ineffective blaming of one person Promoting personal accountability for decisions impacting self and others Help family determine how they define and conceptualize forgiveness?

Goals for therapy Strengthen generational boundaries Help children express feelings and open family communication Address children’s worries and anxieties Adjust to changes and express grief Promote utilization of outside support systems

(Sori, 2007)

Conclusion Parental infidelity and related conflict influences perceptions of both horizontal and relational ethics Helping families to persist in seeking a balance in motion, increasing trustworthiness, loyalty, and constructive entitlement to have needs met

Look for our poster tomorrow night during the President’s Reception!

Contact the presenters at:

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